


Innocence Stolen

by kn_2101



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: EXO - Freeform, F/M, K-Pop - Freeform, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2019-10-19 20:39:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17608553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kn_2101/pseuds/kn_2101
Summary: Kim Jongin begins acting strangely after a traumatic night on his way back to the dorms after practice. He refuses to tell the other members of EXO what happened, leaving them to put the pieces together themselves.





	1. Best Friends Tell Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> \--TRIGGER WARNING--  
> As you probably saw in the tags and warnings above, there is rape in this story, as well as other sensitive topics (e.g.; abuse, depression, suicide, anxiety, etc...). If any of these things are going to mess with your mental well being, please do not read this story.
> 
> This story will be updated 1-2 times a week, dependent upon how much time I have. I hope you all enjoy it!
> 
> Also, I'm pretty sure it says it's completed, but it's not. I don't know how to change the settings for that, so just know that the story is not finished yet.

Chanyeol hurried to the dressing room. He was the last one to get prepared for their performance, and was relieved when he saw he wasn’t the only one still in the room. Sehun was still getting dressed, and Jongin was sat on the couch. “Oh thank God.” Chanyeol grinned, “I thought I was late.”

Sehun let out a small laugh, “You are. We have less than ten minutes to be in our spots.” He informed the lead rapper, as he buttoned the last button on his pink shirt and pulled on his black suit jacket.

“Ah, shit.” Chanyeol groaned, quickly undressing himself and throwing on his clothes.

Sehun sat down beside Jongin, and, as he put his own shoes on, realized that his best friend had failed to put on his. “Yah, put your shoes on, slow poke…” He muttered snarkily. When Jongin still didn’t move, Sehun finished with his shoes and frowned at him. “Jongin.” No answer.

Jongin had spaced out for the zillionth time that morning. He had been behaving differently since a little before the new year started, and Sehun couldn’t figure out why. Jongin was supposed to be one of the happier members of Exo. He usually had the most confident presence on stage. But lately all of that had been reversed.  
Sehun reached out his hand and gently shook Jongin. His frown deepened as his friend immediately tensed at his touch. The lead dancer met Sehun’s eyes like a deer in the headlights. Sehun lowered his voice, “Kai, what’s wrong?”

The name sent a weird feeling throughout Jongin’s body. Kai. That was his role. It was his identity in the group. An identity that he was finding more and more difficult to portray. He no longer felt like Kai was within his grasp. The pride, the strength… No matter how hard he focused, no matter how much he tried to push away the memories, they always managed to flash through his mind. He closed his eyes as he attempted to suppress them now.

Sehun sighed as he realized Jongin had zoned out once again. “Jongin, please focus. You need to get your shoes on your feet.” His tone was a bit tougher this time, gaining Jongin’s attention with more ease than before.

The dancer just nodded and silently began putting on the black dress shoes he was to wear for their performance. Sehun watched Jongin with confusion, trying to figure out why he was acting like this. “Hey, Jongin?”

Jongin didn’t bother to look up as he hummed a small, “Hm?”

“Can we talk after the set?” Sehun’s voice was more serious than usual, his eyes filled with concern.

Jongin’s muscles tensed once more. Was he acting strange? Had Sehun noticed it? “I’m awful tired, Sehunnie…”

“It won’t take long. Pleaseee??” Sehun didn’t particularly enjoy using aegyo, but he knew it would break Jongin down more. He needed to make his friend agree to the discussion.  
Jongin hesitated, but still shook his head. “No. I really just want to go back to the dorm.” He stood up, stretching as though their tense conversation hadn’t just happened. “See you on stage!” He shot both Chanyeol and Sehun a forced grin then hurried out of the dressing room.

Chanyeol tilted his head in confusion as he watched Jongin leave. He finished tying his last shoe and stood up. “What’s up with Kai?” He asked, looking expectantly at Sehun for an answer. Generally speaking, Sehun was the one to go to if any of them had a question about Jongin. The two youngest members were best friends, and told each other most everything.

Sehun let out a frustrated sound, standing as well. “Honestly? I have no clue. He’s been acting so weird the past couple of weeks. I’ve been trying to ask him about what’s wrong, but he always finds a way to avoid the question. It’s so weird. He’s usually an open book about everything. Especially with me.” He pouted, not bothering to hide that he had been hurt by Jongin’s secrecy.

Chanyeol took a moment to think over what Sehun had said. “Well…did something happen two weeks ago?”  
“I tried to think of that too, but nothing comes to mind. I mean, he had that bike incident in the rain. Cause he came home from the studio that one night all cut up and bruised. But that wouldn’t have made him this weird.” Sehun explained, crossing his arms. “Do you think any of the others know anything?”  
“Not sure…” Chanyeol checked his watch, eyes widening. “Oh god, we’re gonna miss our cue!” He grabbed Sehun by the wrist and dragged the maknae out the door with him.

\--

After their performance of Love Shot, Exo decided to head back to the dorms to get some much needed relaxation before their busy schedule the next day.  
When they arrived, Kyungsoo was the first to speak, "I'll make some dinner, if you all want to pick out a movie for us to watch."  
"Oh my god, food sounds so heavenly right now..." Baekhyun groaned, walking over to the couch and dramatically flopping onto his back. "Please, hurry before I waste away!" He slung his arm over his forehead. Kyungsoo laughed and shook his head as he walked off to the kitchen to get started.

Chanyeol rolled his eyes, grinning as he joined the lead vocalist on the couch. He lifted up Baekhyun's legs and laid them on his lap, as to make a place for himself. "You're such a drama queen..." He mumbled, teasingly poking Baekhyun's sides.

"Yah! I'm suffering over here!"

Soon the others were jumping in to either mess with Baekhyun, or fight people off of him. The only two that remained at the door were Sehun and Jongin. The latter cleared his throat. "Um, I'm going to head on to bed." He spoke softly, only audible to Sehun.

"Come on, don't you want to watch a movie?" Sehun asked, surprised that Jongin would want to skip out on movie night and delicious food.

"I think I'll just go sleep. I'm really tired from work, Hunnie." Jongin smiled reassuringly, patting Sehun's tense shoulders. "Don't worry, I'm fine. I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

As soon as Jongin turned to leave, Sehun grabbed ahold of his wrist to stop him. "Wait. Jongin, stop." His entire demeanor had changed, eyebrows furrowed, lips formed in a straight line. Jongin looked back at him, the misery in his eyes rendered Sehun speechless.

"Please don't make me talk to you right now."

The words hit Sehun like a knife. Had Jongin really just said that? His best friend, the one who never kept anything from him. Until now, that is. "Jongin, we have to talk. You can't keep acting like this and expecting me to ignore it. You've been locking yourself in your room for the past two weeks, and you've been avoiding me anytime I try to ask what's going on with you. Just tell me already!"

As the maknae raised his voice, every single one of his and Jongin's previously distracted hyungs looked up from what they had been doing. They remained silent, just staring at the two youngest members, waiting for what would happen next.

Jongin felt his skin burning up from embarrassment. He quickly tore his wrist from Sehun's grip and sped to his room, slamming the door behind him. He slid down with his back against the door, and brought his knees to his chest. They all knew now. All because Sehun had to make a scene in front of all of them. He felt tears streaming down his cheeks. He just wanted to keep this one secret, why couldn't everyone let him?

Sehun watched as his best friend left. There was so much conflict in Jongin's eyes, so much Sehun could see but not understand. He exhaled loudly and turned a sharp glare on the other members. "The hell was that??" He demanded, angry that they had made the lead dancer run off.

"Shouldn't we be the ones asking you that question, Sehun-ah?" Minseok asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, why were you yelling at Jongin-ah?" Yixiing questioned, looking slightly annoyed at the maknae. None of them ever raised their voices at Jongin. He was too soft for that. 

"I wasn't yelling!" Sehun argued, running his hands through his hair. "I just... I'm going to go try to talk to him again." He stormed down the hallway.

Junmyeon bit his lip, concern filled his eyes. "Why can't they just be happy?" He mumbled this to himself, and soon received a comforting pat on the knee from Yixing.

"Should we go see if they're okay?" Chanyeol asked, remembering what had happened in the dressing room earlier. "Jongin has been acting really weird recently."

"Right now all they need is time to cool down." Baekhyun patted Chanyeol's hand. "But I think you're right about Kai." His brown eyes gazed down the hallway. Sehun was slumped against the outside of Jongin's room, trying to get him to talk to him. "He's never pushed Sehun away like this."

"He might just be tired?" Jongdae offered.

"I don't think so. Kai usually has way more energy than us." Minseok reminded him. "Maybe Sehun-ah will get across to him somehow."

They all fell silent after this. The rest of the movie night felt strange to the rest of Exo, knowing their maknaes were fighting so strangely.

 

 


	2. Truth Be Told

Jongin had spent the night fighting against the memories that still wouldn’t leave his thoughts. After a certain point, he had entirely tuned out Sehun’s pleas from the other side of his door. Now all he could hear was one voice, and it wasn’t his own. It was the one who did this to him. The one who made him too afraid to even let his closest friend in, the person he trusted with everything up until now.

But it wasn’t just Sehun, Jongin felt like he couldn’t tell anyone what had happened. He could just see the reaction the other members would have, if he told them. Junmyeon would smile sympathetically, give him a pat on the shoulder, apologize that he wasn’t there for him. Kyungsoo would make him all of his favorite foods, and try to cheer him up with memes. Chanyeol would start acting overly nice to him, Baekhyun would offer him candy and video games… And Sehun…the maknae was the one Jongin feared telling most. He was scared that he would be disappointed in him. That he would explain to him all the ways he could have avoided it. That he would look at Jongin differently.

 Over all, Jongin was sure that the other members of Exo would become too sensitive to him. They would treat him like something terrible had happened, like he was a victim. But, even if he was one, he didn’t want to acknowledge it. Jongin just wanted to forget that night entirely. But the longer he tried to push it away, the more it crowded his mind.

Around four in the morning, Jongin managed to settle into a restless sleep. He tossed and turned in his bed, unable to stop the traumatic events that occurred from plaguing his dreams.

Sehun had dozed off outside of Jongin’s door. He had given up on trying to coax his friend into the talk he so desperately longed to have. Besides, Jongin had stopped replying to him after thirty minutes.

Close to four, Junmyeon exited his room for a drink of water. He frowned when he saw Sehun uncomfortably slumped against the door. “You’re still out here?” The leader mumbled to himself as he walked over to Sehun and knelt beside him. He gently shook the maknae awake, smiling softly at Sehun as his eyes fluttered open and immediately clouded with confusion.

“Hyung? What time is it?” Sehun’s voice was groggy. “Is it already morning?”

Junmyeon shook his head. “No, it’s…” He pulled out his phone to check the exact time. “3:57. Have you been out here all night?” He sounded more understanding than worried, as he knew why Sehun was still there. They were all concerned for Jongin at this point. The lead dancer never acted so withdrawn from them before now.

“Yep.” Sehun glanced back at the door as he leaned forward. “Something’s really wrong, Junmyeon. Jongin has never shut me out like this before. I just…” He sighed, eyes filled with anxiety. “I just wish he would tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.”

“Give him some time. I’m sure he’ll come around…” Junmyeon decided to sit down beside Sehun, back against the wall. “He seemed humiliated earlier. Maybe it’s something he’s embarrassed to tell us.”

“Jongin? Embarrassed? He does silly stuff all the time. He never acts ashamed over it.” Sehun argued, running his hands through his messy, black hair.

“Maybe it wasn’t something silly.” Junmyeon countered, now trying to think of all the possibilities.

“What do you mean?” Sehun was curious and worried as to what Junmyeon could be suggesting, his eyes narrowing at the elder.

“Did anything happen with his family?” Junmyeon asked.

Sehun shook his head. “Nope. I would’ve gotten a call from his mom or sister.”

“Work?”

The answer, once again, was no. Jongin never messed up at work. He was one of their CEO’s favorite artists.

Before Junmyeon could spout off another possibility, noises started to erupt from Jongin’s room. The lead dancer had slowly started to shout in his sleep, and they heard a loud thump as he rolled out of bed and hit the floor.

Both the leader and the rapper jumped up from the floor. Sehun slammed his fist on the door, as he struggled to turn the locked handle. “Jongin! Are you okay??” He yelled through the door.

In his room, Jongin awoke as pain reverberated through his bones. He had hit the floor hard, surely to be bruised later that morning. He groaned as he sat up. Cold sweat beaded his forehead, and his breathing had become uneven. The nightmare he had just had seemed to be flashing through his mind now more than it had while he was asleep. “Please go away…” He whispered quietly. He hadn’t even heard Sehun calling to him. That was, until the maknae shouted again.

“Jongin! Please fucking answer me!” Sehun’s voice was filled with desperation. His mind was whirling into panic mode. He started to hit his body against the door as he continued to fight with the knob.

Jongin looked up at the door as tears streamed down his cheeks. His entire body trembled as the sobs overtook him. He wanted nothing more than to let Sehun in, to let him comfort him. He needed someone there. He didn’t want to be alone.

Without stopping to think first, Jongin pushed himself to his feet and opened the door. Junmyeon had just gotten Sehun to stop trying to force the door open, when Jongin pulled it ajar. Before either of them could react, or ask him what had happened, the lead dancer tightly wrapped his arms around Sehun’s torso and buried his face into his chest.

Sehun had frozen in shock, not expecting what Jongin had just done. But he was soon hugging him back, thumb rubbing circles into the small of Jongin’s tense back. “It’s okay, Jongin…” He whispered. The words seemed to blanket Jongin with safety. He felt protected here. The thoughts had vanished, and all he could think of were Sehun’s arms around him.

Junmyeon quietly excused himself, not wanting to upset Jongin with his presence, in case he were to get embarrassed by someone else seeing him vulnerable like he was in that moment.

After a few minutes of tears soaking into his shirt, Sehun decided to say what he hoped Jongin might finally agree to, “Please, Jong. Can we talk about this? I’m so worried about you.”

Jongin felt everything inside of him fight against what he finally managed to say. “Okay.” He choked on his own words as he tried to stop crying.

When the lead dancer had finally calmed down, Sehun got them both mugs of hot chocolate, and they settled down on the living room couch. Sehun watched Jongin for a moment, waiting to see if he would initiate the conversation on his own. After a minute or two, Sehun realized that wasn’t going to happen, and he broke the silence. “So…I’m just going to say the things I’ve noticed.” He started as he set his mug down on the coffee table. “Two weeks ago, you came home after practice and told me you had gotten in a bike wreck. That was a lie…wasn’t it.” He waited until Jongin nodded in confirmation to continue. “And whatever actually happened, is why you’ve been avoiding me and almost all social interaction in general since then. Correct?”

Jongin nodded once more, eyes fixed on his hot chocolate. He nervously bit his lip as he stuttered out, “I…what happened…” His eyes filled with tears. “I didn’t know what to do…” The waterfall in his eyes broke free and he bowed his head in shame. “I can’t tell you, Sehunnie…it was so disgusting.”

“Jongin…” Sehun scooted closer to his friend and placed his hand on his knee to comfort him. “Listen, no matter what you say, I’m not going to look at you any differently. You’re my best friend. Nothing in this world could change how I feel about you. Understood?”

Jongin nodded quietly, eyes focused on anything but Sehun as he processed what he had said.

“Please…just tell me what happened to you.”

Jongin took in a shaky breath. He had to get what happened off his chest. He knew he couldn’t keep it bottled up any longer. So, in spite of how much he feared the possible outcome, he chose to trust Sehun’s words and tell him everything. “When I finished practice, I headed straight back to the dorm. I’ve walked back alone every Friday night since our new schedules started, so I didn’t think much of it. Y’know?”

Sehun furrowed his brow, wondering where this was going. “Yeah, so…?” He trailed off, silently urging Jongin to continue.

“Well, I heard something behind me…”

As Jongin told the story of what happened, it felt like he was reliving it. The rain beating down on his back, the cold air brushing through his sweaty hair, the strange noises echoing through the streets…

_-Roughly two weeks prior-_

_Jongin pulled his coat tightly around his shivering body. The tank top and sweats he had worn to dance practice had been a good idea earlier in the day, but now that it was getting colder, and he was no longer moving enough to keep his body warm, he was regretting the outfit choice. He scowled as he felt the first drops of rain hit his neck and stream down onto his back._

_He was roughly three blocks from the dorms, when he heard something behind him. Jongin turned his head to see what it was, but was greeted by an empty street. He shrugged it off, going back to mentally cursing the foul weather. The drizzle had turned into a steady rainfall._

_“Of all nights for it to rain, it had to be tonight…” He muttered under his breath, glaring up at the cloudy night sky. Normally he enjoyed the rain, but tonight was not his night. Actually, the entirety of 2018 seemed to be nonstop for him and the others. Jongin had been exhausted for what felt like months now, what with Exo’s endless promotions and practices. His routine was now: promote, practice, sleep, repeat. He hardly had any time to eat, not like SM wanted that for him anyway, but it had become taxing on the young artist’s health. Not to mention the constant trips to the gym he had to make, in order to keep up his body for the revealing clothing he was to wear during promotions for Love Shot. And, in spite of his strong desire to be warm and dry in his bed, Jongin found himself dragging his feet more at the thought of all of his recent stresses._

_As he got lost in his thoughts, another noise echoed through the deserted streets. Jongin frowned and came to a stop. Was someone following him?_

_He turned around once more, not accepting that he saw no one there. That sound had to be something. “Hello?” He called into the darkness._

_No answer. Maybe it was just a cat?_

_To be safe, Jongin pulled out his phone and turned on his flashlight. He pointed it in the direction the sound had come from, and the sight that greeted him caused him to drop his phone in shock. A tall man stood maybe six feet from Jongin. His eyes looked crazy, his breathing heavy. Jongin felt fear creep up his spine, but he didn’t move. It was as though his subconscious believed that if he didn’t move, the man wouldn’t either, and everything would be okay._

_This, however, was not the case._

_The man began to take steps toward Jongin, a sick smile spreading across his striking features._

_Jongin turned sharply on his heels and started to run as fast as he could. This wasn’t happening, this couldn’t be happening…_

_He could hear the man picking up pace behind him. He was taller than Jongin, so the artist knew it wouldn’t take much effort for him to catch up to him. Jongin felt like his body was fighting against ever movement he made, pain searing through his aching muscles. He needed to change up his route. If he went straight, the predator was sure to catch him._

_Before he knew what he was doing, Jongin was making a turn into an alley he didn’t recognize. He hoped he could throw the man off his track among the darkness inside. His idea was soon crushed, however, when his eyes looked up to see that the alley was a dead end. He didn’t even have time to turn around before he was tackled by the one chasing him._

_Jongin cried out in pain as he hit wet, hard gravel. He struggled against the man’s grip, but his cold, tired limbs were weakening and he found himself being easily overtaken by the large body on his back. A laugh erupted from the man’s lips, dark and prideful. He leaned down and whispered into Jongin’s ear, “You’re mine now, Kai-ah… Let me satisfy you…my **idol**.” His voice left goosebumps along Jongin’s skin. He was frozen in fear now, unable to move, unable to speak._

_The man, who Jongin was now convinced must be a sasaeng, got to work on just what his words had implied. He gripped the band of Jongin’s pants and roughly pulled them down. “So beautiful…” He breathed out, leaning down and sucking on one of Jongin’s cheeks. He moaned loudly, pleasure erupting through his body._

_Jongin cried out in shock, and buried his face into the gravel he was pressed against. Shame burned through his skin as the abuse continued._

_After what felt like hours, he was released. His tormentor was gone, and Jongin was once again left alone. He lied there for an hour, unaware of the freezing rain soaking into his bones. He tried to process what had just been done to him, but he couldn’t. He felt numb. His skin was raw from being scraped against the gravel, and his entire lower abdomen was in so much pain he could hardly move. But, even more than the pain searing through his body, Jongin felt like something had been stolen from him. As though part of his soul had just been ripped from his chest._

_-End of Flashback-_

          Sehun was in shock. He didn’t know how to respond. His entire mind was clouded with anger. He stared at his clenched fists and tried to calm the rage that was slowly growing within him. “Jongin, how did you keep that contained for so long? Why haven’t you told any of us until now?” He finally asked, staring up at his friend with guilty, confused eyes. He should’ve pressed more. He should’ve seen that Jongin had been lying to him.

          Jongin shook his head. “Please don’t tell anyone else, Sehunnie. I don’t want the other members to know. They’ll treat me differently. I don’t want them to give me special treatment, like I’m some kind of injured puppy that they need to nurse back to health. Like a victim.” He looked genuinely anxious about this, which only fueled Sehun’s anger. The man who did this to his best friend was going to pay.  

          Sehun scoffed in a bitter way. “I hate to break it to you, Jongin, but you are a victim. That was rape. You were raped.” Words were never one of Sehun’s specialties, and the ones he spoke now were no exception, as they hit Jongin hard.

          “It wasn’t rape, Sehun. It was just another man’s impulse.” His voice cracked, nearly inaudible. “I should’ve defended myself.”

          “Like hell it was impulse!” Jongin flinched as Sehun raised his voice. “This douchebag obviously had your schedule memorized, Jongin. Otherwise he wouldn’t have known you’d be alone on Friday nights. You have to report this.”

          Alarm shot through Jongin’s body at Sehun’s last words. “Report it?? Are you kidding? I can’t report something like that, Sehun! Someone in the police department would probably leak it because I’m an ido…” He paused, looking lost for a moment as he remembered the word spoken so sickly into his ear. He shook the memory away, “Because I’m famous. The tabloids would be so awful…”

          “Well, you have to do something about it. This guy could try and hurt you again. He might’ve already attacked someone else by now, for all we know.” Sehun paused for a moment and studied Jongin’s stressed face. He sighed and forced himself to calm down for his friend’s sake. “Look… Just because you’re a guy, doesn’t mean you can’t get raped, Jongin. From what you said, he was a lot stronger than you. There was no way you could’ve avoided what happened.” Sehun’s voice was soft as he spoke. He lifted Jongin’s chin up so that the lead dancer was forced to meet his concerned gaze. “I swear to you, I’m not going to treat you strangely because of this. But please, at least tell our manager. We’ll need to up group security after this.”

          Jongin nodded, eyes still locked with Sehun’s. As he stared into the strong, confident eyes of his friend, he was reminded of just how broken he felt inside. He wondered if he would ever feel that secure again. Maybe Sehun was right, maybe he was a victim. But that didn’t change how humiliated he felt. It made it worse.

          “I’m dirty, Sehunnie…I’m so dirty…” Everything inside of Sehun shattered at the words Jongin spoke. His friend practically collapsed into his arms as he pulled him closer.

By later that morning, Jongin had managed to fall asleep, still safe in Sehun’s arms. Sehun, on the other hand, couldn’t shut his mind off long enough for rest. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Jongin all alone, and that horrible pervert attacking him, taking advantage of him… How could someone take the innocence of someone so pure?

          The maknae was pulled from his thoughts when Kyungsoo stumbled into the room. When he saw how the two youngest members were cuddled up on the couch, he frowned. “Why are you two in here?”

          Sehun opened his mouth to explain everything, but stopped as he remembered what Jongin had begged of him.

          “ _Please don’t tell anyone else, Sehunnie. I don’t want the other members to know.”_

          “Jongin just didn’t want to be alone, is all.” Sehun decided on this answer, as he was able to not tell the entire story, while also not lying.

          “Okay…” Kyungsoo eyed Sehun suspiciously. “Is he alright now?”

          Sehun looked down at the sleeping dancer in his arms. A small, sad smile tugged at his lips. “He will be.” He promised.

          Kyungsoo nodded, not understanding what the maknae meant, but also not seeing the point in interrogating him. “I’m going to start breakfast. I’ll make Jongin his favori—”

          Sehun’s eyes widened.

          _“I don’t want them to give me special treatment, like I’m some kind of injured puppy that they need to nurse back to health.”_

“No!”

          Kyungsoo stopped and stared at him with wide eyes. “Excuse me?”

          Sehun cleared his throat and lowered his voice, as he realized that he could’ve woken Jongin with how loud he had been. “I mean, no, just make whatever you were already planning on for breakfast. I’m going to take him back to his room and let him sleep.” He tried to cover for himself, quickly standing. He picked Jongin up bridal style and carried him back to his room. He could feel Kyungsoo’s eyes digging holes into his back, but he ignored it. He had to make sure Jongin’s wishes were kept. If that meant no telling the others what happened, and no special treatment from any of them, that’s what he would do.

          He covered his friend up and gently stroked his hair. “I’ll protect you, Jongin. Don’t worry.”

          He wasn’t sure if it was because of his touch or a pleasant dream, but a smile graced Jongin’s lips for the first time in two weeks. It was contagious for Sehun, his chest filled with warmth at the sight before him. “Sleep well.” He whispered, before he shut the light off and left Jongin to rest.

 


	3. A Much Needed Meeting

In the nearly six years they had been in the group, the Exo members were never as tense as they were now. Jongin had them all anxious. And, without his impulsive, fun attitude livening up the dorm, life had become pretty dull for all of them. That’s not to say that their lives were meaningless without Jongin. However, they couldn’t keep on acting like nothing was wrong when their friend was hurting, and they didn’t know why.

          “Byun Baekhyun, I swear to the lord above, if you touch my food again I will cut you.” Kyungsoo glared with all of his penguin might at Baekhyun as the lead vocalist stuffed yet another piece of sushi into his mouth.

          Baekhyun grinned cheekily and winked with all of the charm he could muster at Kyungsoo. When he only received a deadpan expression in return, Baekhyun crossed his arms and pouted. “C’mon, Soo! It’s important for someone besides you to try the food before its served! Consider me a volunteer food critic.” His grin reappeared as he came up with his new title, visibly way too proud of the idea.

          “You little shit…” Kyungsoo had his knife aimed at Baekhyun, only stopped from completing his mission when a voice interrupted them.

          “Both of you need to chill out.” Yixing remarked as he watched the two vocalists with eyebrows raised. He had just woken up from a nap, his hair messy and eyes still trying to adjust to the light.

          “Excuse me??” Baekhyun looked personally offended. “The one pointing the knife at me needs to chill!” He exclaimed as he dramatically gestured to Kyungsoo.

          Yixing sighed as he realized what he had gotten himself into. He was about ready to give up being understanding, as he was already about to snap from everything happening with Jongin. He couldn’t understand why these two would try to cause unnecessary drama between themselves at a time like this.

Across the room, Chanyeol, who was seated on the living room couch, frowned at his phone as he looked over old texts from Jongin. He was trying to catch the exact moment his behavior had changed, and now found himself staring at the first potentially helpful bit of evidence. “Baek! Come here, I think I’ve got something.” He waved his hand frantically as he beckoned his roommate over. Being the most curious out of the eight members, Baekhyun and Chanyeol had decided to team up to get to the bottom of the Jongin situation. They were self-declared detectives for the time being.

          As he walked off to join Chanyeol, Yixing silently thanked the world for giving Baekhyun a distraction.

“What’s that, Yeolie?” Baekhyun plopped down beside Chanyeol and read the text over his shoulder. He soon matched the rapper’s troubled look. “You got a text from Jongin Friday night? But didn’t he say he misplaced his old phone a couple of hours before that was sent?”

          At the mention of Jongin, the two other men in the kitchen directed their stares to Chanyeol and Baekhyun, and soon rushed over to read the message themselves. Yixing was the first to speak. “Wait… So that means someone must have picked his phone up after he lost it. Right?”

          Chanyeol nodded as he reread the text.

          **_Nini~ :_** _Hey, Hyung, could you please forward me our schedule again? I misplaced it and my phone keeps kicking me out of my email ;(_

          Not knowing about how or when Jongin had lost his phone until the next morning, Chanyeol had replied with a screenshot of their schedules for the month.

          “Shit…we probably should tell Mr. Tak.” Baekhyun said. “This is really bad.”

          Chanyeol nodded silently. His eyes were filled with guilt as he realized just how much danger he could have put Jongin in with that message.

          “I’m going to call Jongin to make sure he’s okay.” Kyungsoo’s eyes were clouded with worry as he quickly dialed Jongin’s number. As he waited for him to pick up, he nervously fidgeted with the hem of his shirt.

          Chanyeol sighed and pulled up their manager, Tak Youngjun’s, number. “I hope there’s something he can do about this…” He mumbled as he rang him.

\--

Sehun sat alone in a ramen shop. His eyes were fixed on something deep in space, as he pondered what he was going to say when his guest arrived.

It had been a week since Jongin had opened up to Sehun about the rape. So far, Sehun had kept his promise to keep it on the down low, but it was becoming more and more difficult for him. It wasn’t hard because he was bad at keeping secrets, as he was actually one of the most trustworthy members in the group. It was because he knew the others didn’t believe him when he confirmed Jongin’s made up story about the bike accident. They were just as concerned as they had been, and were already trying to cheer up the second youngest with his favorite things every chance they had. It also didn’t help that Jongin was getting worse. His nightmares were getting more vivid and the flashbacks of what happened were becoming more frequent.

          Junmyeon was the one who made it most difficult for Sehun. The leader had been there the night that Jongin finally broke down. He had seen how upset he was, and knew there was no way a bike accident could have made him that upset. He had been asking Sehun about it all week, and the maknae was at his wits end trying to keep it from him. So, he decided to talk to Jongin about it. They were all going to find out eventually anyway, right? Surely he would agree to telling them sooner than later.

          Sehun looked up when Jongin walked into the store. He felt a physical ache in his chest just looking at his best friend. Jongin no longer looked like the face of a Kpop group. Instead, he had dark circles under his eyes, constantly messy hair, and he hardly seemed to really, sincerely smile anymore. Sehun had never seen him in this bad of shape, and he hated it. He knew Jongin needed therapy. More than that, he needed a break from work.

          Jongin forced the slightest of smiles as he sat down across from Sehun and shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets. “What’s up?” He asked, eyebrows raised.

          Sehun looked down at his hands. He knew it would be too difficult to say what he needed to say while he looked at Jongin. It was too painful. “Nini… I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this a secret.”

          His words caused Jongin to tense, his eyes widened at the thought of Sehun betraying him, telling all the others… He kept his gaze at the ground as he spoke, “I trusted you with this, Sehun. You promised me you wouldn’t tell anyone.”

          “I know what I promised you, and I haven’t broken it. But, Jongin, you can’t keep on like this. You haven’t had a full night’s rest since the incident, and you keep getting distracted during practices and performances. You even slipped during one of your solo dances yesterday. You and I both know that wasn’t just a random accident.” He leaned over the table and placed his hand on top of Jongin’s as he finally met his friend’s gaze. “You need to get help, Nini. Please.” Sehun’s eyes were filled with desperation.

          Jongin looked at Sehun’s hand, a strange peace flowed through his body at the touch. “Sehunnie…” His voice cracked as he processed what his friend had said. “I’m okay. I just need a little time to adjust is all. It wasn’t a big deal, I already told you that.” He still didn’t dare to meet the maknae’s concerned eyes.

          Sehun sighed and removed his hand, the warmth it had given Jongin immediately replaced with the cold he had become accustomed to feeling. “I know what I swore to you, but I don’t know how much longer I can sit by while you let yourself wear down to nothing. You’re losing your spirit because of that dickhead who hurt you, and you won’t even acknowledge it.” Sehun’s tone had become frustrated. “Jongin, I love you. You’re my closest friend, which means I want you to be happy. I want you to be safe and okay. But that piece of shit did hurt you. You have to realize that. You have to accept it and try to work through it.”

          Jongin shook his head. “No…No. It was nothing more than a mistake.” He bowed his head and quickly wiped away the tears that had managed to break free from the waterfall forming in his eyes. “Please stop talking about it so seriously. I love and care about you too, but please…just stop.”

          “If you love me then please just do this one thing for me, Jongin. You don’t have to get therapy, you don’t have to quit working, but it’s killing me trying to keep this from the other guys. They’re all worried sick about you, and they won’t believe either of us when we try to cover up what happened. They deserve the truth.” Sehun’s words were firm, as he was filled with even more determination at the sight of his best friend’s tears.

          Jongin took in a shaky breath. “I shouldn’t have told you about it.” He pushed himself up by the arm rests on his chair. “I’ll see you back at the dorm.”

          As Jongin turned to leave, Sehun shot out of his seat and grabbed ahold of his wrist. Jongin no longer found comfort in the touch, as it only reminded him of the restraint that had changed him so drastically. He jerked his arm away, about to yell at Sehun, but was soon interrupted by the ringing of his phone. He tugged his new iPhone out of his pocket and answered the call. “Hello?”

          “Jongin?? Oh thank God. Are you with anyone?” Kyungsoo’s panicked voice threw Jongin off. Why did he sound so worried?

          “…Yes, I’m with Sehun.” Jongin shot the maknae a disdainful look. “Why? Is everything okay?”

          Kyungsoo let out a sigh of relief at Jongin’s words. “Okay, good. Just head to the headquarters. Youngjun called for a meeting.”

          “A meeting?” Jongin looked alarmed. “For what?”

          “He’ll explain there. We’ll see you here in a few.” Kyungsoo’s response was hardly satisfactory, but he had already hung up before Jongin got the chance to ask another question.

          Jongin lowered his phone from his ear, visibly confused. “Did you already tell them?” His voice sounded agitated as he looked back at Sehun.

          “What? No! I just told you I didn’t.” Sehun crossed his arms and mimicked the lead dancer’s annoyed face. “Who was that?”

          “Kyungsoo…” Jongin averted his gaze from his friend. “Let’s just go. We have to be at HQ. Youngjun is having a meeting.”

          “What? What for?” Sehun didn’t receive a response, as Jongin exited the building. The maknae quickly grabbed up his jacket and followed after the him. “Wait up!”

\--

Soon, they were all gathered in one of the many meeting rooms of SM Entertainment. Most of them were in the same boat as Jongin and Sehun, confused and unaware of why they were there. As they all took their seats, Tak Youngjun, Exo’s main manager, entered the room. And, as he sat at the head of the table, they could feel how unsettled he was. That was one thing they both liked and hated about Youngjun, that if he were having strong emotions about something, he seemed to emit those feelings into the atmosphere. It had the power to change the entire mood of the room, if he was worked up enough.

“I’m sure most of you are wondering why I called such a last minute meeting.” Youngjun took a moment to look over each member, and met eyes with every single one, except… “Jongin.”

The lead dancer’s head quickly lifted up to see why he had been called upon. “Yes, Youngjun-ssi?” Jongin’s nerves were all too noticeable, as he had started to give off a chaotic energy of his own.

          Youngjun’s expression was serious and concerned as he continued. “Your old phone was stolen after you lost it a couple of weeks ago. Thinking it was you, Chanyeol-“

          Chanyeol interrupted, “I’m so sorry, Jongin. I didn’t know. I swear to you if I had known-“

          Youngjun now cut off the lead rapper, sending him a sharp look. “As I was saying, your schedules for the next month ended up being sent to whoever picked up your cellphone. Because of this, you are no longer to be out without being in a group of at least three. If you have solo schedules, you will be sent a body guard or manager to accompany you to your destination. Understood?”

          “Yessir.” Baekhyun dramatically saluted to their manager.

          The other members chorused their agreement with the plan, and, after a few questions, the meeting was adjourned.

          Soon after they were dismissed, Jongin had completely zoned out. All he could think of was how the sasaeng from that night now had his schedule…all of their schedules, at that. The thought sent a chill down the dancer’s spine. He was so conflicted. He knew he shouldn’t be afraid because, in his mind, he had no right or reason to be. But he couldn’t help but cower at the images that flashed through his mind. The rank smell of his attacker’s breath, the necklace that dangled from his neck and grazed Jongin’s skin throughout the entirety of the incident, his iron-grip on Jongin’s waist…

          Jongin failed to notice that the room had fallen silent. Every member had their eyes directed at him. However, the sudden attention wasn’t because he was unfocused from whatever they were all discussing. Rather, it was because Jongin had unknowingly begun to cry.

          Sehun felt like a knife had dug into the center of his chest and started to rip downward. He knew how bad Jongin was getting, he knew his friend needed help, but….He couldn’t break his trust. That was something that would break Jongin more than anything right now; to feel as though he couldn’t lean on the one person he was closest to in the group.

          Junmyeon had turned from staring at Jongin, to digging holes into Sehun’s face with a sharp, knowing glare. Sehun refused to meet it. He refused to accept defeat. He had to wait until Jongin was ready to tell everyone on his own, whether it would be that day or months later. However, as he watched his friend cry, something seemed to click in his brain. An idea that might make Jongin finally understand the severity of what had been done to him.

 

 


	4. The First Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter isn't very long! It's more of a bridge to the next update, which should be posted by Monday.
> 
> Please make sure to comment anything you feel lead to, as I am open to criteria and want to hear any suggestions you all may have for the story. If you don't have either of those things on your mind, just let me know what you think might happen next, or if you're enjoying the story!
> 
> Also, I wanted to thank you all for your support! Grateful to already have 200+ reads, and 10 kudos!
> 
> Thanks again!  
> -KN

Sehun spent the majority of the night after their meeting at his desk researching. He had put together a small string of videos and articles on exactly what happened to Jongin. Rape. Surely this would make Jongin finally accept the reality of what he had been through. After all, if there was one thing Sehun knew about his best friend, it was how big of a heart he had for people. And seeing the men in these videos, giving their testimonies that were all similar to Jongin’s, had to open his eyes to the truth.

          Around 9pm, Sehun was on his eleventh video, when a knock sounded on his door. He didn’t look up as Junmyeon let himself in and sat down on his bed. The elder started to fidget with one of Sehun’s action figures as he spoke, “Sehun, I really hate this. You aren’t helping any of us, including Jongin, by keeping what you two talked about a secret.”

          It was at this time that Sehun decided to look up from his research. His eyes widened when he fully took in Junmyeon’s makeup-less features. He looked so tired… “Hyung, when was the last time you slept?”

          “Probably the last time you did. Check out a mirror sometime, Sehunnie. Now answer my question.” Junmyeon wasn’t about to let the conversation get sidetracked. His stress levels had been elevated for too long. He considered the members of the group as his family, and, as leader, it was his duty to look after them. However, they were all doing poorly the past week because of this situation, and he viewed it as his responsibility to get to the bottom of it.

          Sehun sighed. “I can’t tell you. But I think Jongin will be ready to soon. Please trust me on this, Hyung.”

          Junmyeon wasn’t sure if it was the desperation in Sehun’s eyes, or his own conviction that made him nod agreement. “Fine. But if it’s not resolved in the next week, I expect an explanation. You two are clearly carrying a burden way to big for either of you to handle on your own. I hate to be a grouch, but I’m really worried.” He bowed his head, slumped over as he stared at his feet.

          Sehun realized he wasn’t going to get much studying done while the sad leader was in his room. So, he shut his lap top, pushed himself out of his chair, and joined Junmyeon on his bed. “I’m sorry, Junmyeon…” He rubbed his elder’s back to comfort him. “I didn’t realize how upset you were, I just…I’ve been really focused on Jongin. He’s going through a rough time right now.”

          Junmyeon’s tense body loosened some at Sehun’s touch. He looked up at the maknae, his brown eyes startlingly intense. “He knows that we’re trying to support him, right? That we care about him?” These questions were obviously pre-thought out, with how seriously Junmyeon asked them.

          “I…I don’t think he _knows_ he needs to be supported.” Sehun heaved another sigh as he bit his bottom lip. “But he knows you care about him, Hyung. He always knows that. He just…he needs space right now. Time to figure out everything that happened.” He tried to explain it best he could, without giving away what Jongin had actually been through.

          Junmyeon nodded, understanding he wasn’t going to get any real answers until Jongin was ready to give them. He was glad to have Sehun’s comfort, though, and couldn’t stop the smile that formed on his lips.

          Sehun immediately noticed the strange change in demeanor, and gave Junmyeon a confused look. “What’s that all about?” He asked, teasingly poking at the leader’s cheek to show that he had been referencing to the grin.

          “You’re pretty wise for a kid.” Junmyeon’s cheerful words threw Sehun off, and now the maknae found himself grinning like an idiot.

          “Nah, I’m just trying to return what all of you have given me.” He shrugged, cheeks tinted a light pink.

“And what is that?”

“Family. Comfort. Understanding.” Sehun paused before he said, “And love.”

\--

          The next morning, Sehun was the first up. Actually, he never really went to sleep. He stayed up all night working on the project he decided to mentally refer to as the “Make Jongin Realize He Was Raped And Needs To Tell Everyone” project. Otherwise known as the MJRHWRANTTE. Did he care about the judgement that radiated from the author at his idea? Nope. And he never would.

          At about 7am. he unplugged his laptop from its charger, and strode with confidence to Jongin’s room, which was conveniently right across from his own. He knocked on it and awaited a response. When the door swung open to reveal a groggy, sleep-deprived Jongin, Sehun found himself distracted by the puffy eyes, the trembling body… “Good morning, Nini.”

          Jongin hadn’t been expecting such an early morning greeting, as Exo’s first practice didn’t start until 9am. And when he saw who it was that was visiting him, he felt annoyance prick at his skin. Sehun had been stressing him out since their conversation the day prior. It had caused his paranoia about the other members’ knowledge of what happened to him to skyrocket. “What do you want?” He asked, voice withdrawn, disinterested.

          Sehun held his laptop up, “I have some things to show you, if that’s alright?” He looked hopeful.

          Jongin held the maknae’s gaze for a moment, trying to read his thoughts. He finally gave in and stepped aside to let Sehun into his room. When the former had entered, Jongin shut the door and turned on his bedside lamp. He sat down on his bed, followed shortly by Sehun.

          Sehun criss-crossed his legs on Jongin’s bed as he pulled up the first of five videos he planned to show Jongin. He turned to where he faced his friend, and took in a deep breath. “Okay, so I know you’re going to be upset with me when you see what the videos are, but it’s very important to me that you watch them regardless. So please promise that you’ll at least try the first one.”

          Jongin frowned, puzzled over what the videos could be. His curiosity took over, “Okay…I promise.”

          Sehun didn’t look entirely convinced, and he raised up his pinky. “Pinky promise, just so I can be sure you’re taking me seriously.”

          The smallest of smiles graced Jongin’s soft lips as he watched his friend’s actions. “Aish…you’re such a doofus.” He mumbled, but interlaced their pinkies and whispered, “I pinky promise.”

          Sehun smiled, satisfied with the exchange. He positioned the lap top to where Jongin could see it, then pressed play.

          The first testimony began.

          Jongin’s face fell.

          “Sehun…”

          “You promised.”

          Jongin sighed, but didn’t argue. A promise was a promise. He redirected his gaze to the screen, and focused on the man speaking.

          “I was only eighteen when it happened… I was the last player to leave the locker room after practice, and…” The man looked down in shame. “My coach had been waiting for me to finish my shower. He pinned me down to the tile, ripped my towel off of me, and told me that I was his.”

          Jongin felt a chill run down his spine. He could feel what the man was saying. Even though it wasn’t the exact same scenario, what happened to him that Friday night played through his mind nonetheless.

          “It took me years of struggling with my identity, wondering why every single one of my relationships crumbled, to finally acknowledge what had happened to me. I was raped. I was taken advantage of, and my coach stole something from me that I can never get back.”

          Jongin tensed. Rape? Now he felt guilty. How could he feel like he could relate to this man’s case?

          The next video started.

          Sehun kept an eye on Jongin as the second testimony played. The dancer’s eyes burned with emotion, with confusion.

          “I was a barista at this neat little coffee shop when I was twenty-one. I always walked home by myself, since I worked nightshift and closed the shop alone.” A small, bitter laugh left the man’s lips. “Little did I know, I had someone following me, watching my routines and all…”

          A stray tear slipped down Jongin’s cheek as he watched.

          “He tackled me, caught me by surprise. I begged for him to stop, to just take my money and go. It didn’t take me long to realize he didn’t want my money. He wanted something worth much more.” He sighed. “I don’t want sympathy from telling this story. I just want to be a voice to those of you out there that have gone through the hell that stranger forced me through. I was so confused afterwards. I was in pain for the next few months, going through personality changes that were all stemmed from the emotions, the truth that I had suppressed since the rape. I opened up to a friend about it, and they suggested I go to therapy. I learned there that, even if I am a strong guy who can usually hold his own, it was still a victim of rape. I learned that I don’t have to be ashamed, or in constant fear because of what happened to me, because that man has no power over me. I’m happily married now, with two kids of my own. Does that mean that night doesn’t still pop up in my nightmares from time to time? I would be a fool to lie to you all like that. But it’s not all I think about anymore. I’ve managed to move on, and guys, the first step is acknowledging the facts of what was done to you.”

          Sehun reached forward and paused it as the man went on to talk about commenting, subscribing, reaching out. “So…” He breathed out, the air was so tense.

          “I…I was raped?” Jongin looked lost. His eyes filled with an unreadable emotion.

          Sehun nodded soberly, as he placed a hand on Jongin’s shoulder. “Yes, Nini.”

          Jongin bowed his head, more tears streaming down his cheeks. “This can’t be real, I can’t actually…” He choked on his words, wrapping his arms around himself. “Why would he do that? Why would someone do that to me? What did I do wrong?” His voice was so small, so vulnerable.

          Sehun reached over and wrapped Jongin in a protective hug. “Some people have chosen to let their minds cross over the line separating good and evil, Nini. You didn’t do anything to deserve what he did to you.”

          Jongin buried his face into Sehun’s chest, the maknae’s shirt soon stained with tears. The dancer burned with embarrassment and insecurity. “I just want to disappear.” He whispered.

          Sehun’s heart shattered at his best friend’s broken words. He rubbed Jongin’s back. Sehun didn’t know if this breakthrough meant that Jongin was finally going to start improving, but in that moment all that mattered was that he had acknowledged it. He accepted that he was raped.

          The second victim’s voice played in Sehun’s mind, a small smile spreading across his lips.

_“I’ve managed to move on, and guys, the first step is acknowledging the facts of what was done to you.”_

          It wasn’t going to be an easy hill to climb, but Jongin had taken his first step, and Sehun was going to be alongside him no matter how difficult it became. After all, that’s what best friends are for, right?


	5. Emotions Can't Stay Bottled Up Forever

All at once, the world seemed to crumble around Jongin. He wished Sehun hadn’t shown him the videos. He wished he could just erase everything that happened to him. And, most of all, he was beginning to wish he could erase himself. The comfort that Sehun’s safe arms had given him that morning only lasted for as long as they were around him. Once they all left for their first schedules, he felt so alone it had become unbearable. Yes, he knew others had gone through the same hell as him, but no one that he knew personally had endured it. Sehun was the only one he could even imagine entrusting with the truth, even though he knew deep down he needed to tell the others. They had been going out of their way to treat him nicely and talk to him every chance they got, their worry evident in each action. But telling them…it seemed so impossible. He knew he would break down and cry, then one of them, probably Junmyeon, would hug him and try to comfort him, then he would feel embarrassed, and then he would choke up and not be able to finish talking. In short, it was all sure to be chaotic, and Jongin wanted to avoid anything of that sorts for as long as possible. 

He looked up as his name was called. They were at a photoshoot for a popular Korean magazine. The photographer looked slightly ticked off at how little Jongin had been paying attention to the work going on around him. “Mr. Kim, if you would please try and focus on what you’re here for, that would be wonderful.”

Jongin tensed, but nodded in understanding as he joined the others for their group shots. They were in a dimly lit scenery, the set pieces creating a convincing illusion that they were on a city street. Jongin took his place in front of Minseok. Some cameramen came over and helped to direct their poses. The general idea they were given was to look sexy but like they were having fun. 

They had gotten through roughly half of what they needed for group shots, when Minseok suddenly reached forward and jokingly wrapped his arms around Jongin from behind. It was supposed to be a cute, somewhat hot pose for the photoshoot, but quickly turned into something serious. The memory of unwanted arms around him flashed through Jongin’s mind. A feeling of insecurity hit him like a wave, and he wanting nothing more than to get away from it. Just as quickly as Minseok’s arms had snaked around his tall frame, Jongin pulled away from them and turned to glare at his elder. 

“What the hell, Minseok? Do you grasp the concept of personal space at all?” 

Minseok’s eyes widened in confusion, but soon narrowed as Jongin’s disrespectful words hit him. “What are you talking about, Jongin? I’ve hugged you like that multiple times and it’s never bothered you. What’s the issue with me doing it now?” He crossed his arms, eyebrows raised as he expectantly awaited an response.

“So you’re just assuming I was okay with it all those times? Maybe you should’ve thought to ask me how I felt about it. God, why are you so inconsiderate? I just need space, and none of you are giving me that! You’re giving me the complete opposite! I feel so suffocated by all of you!” Jongin’s words were coming out of his mouth without a single thought given to what they actually were. It was like his body was going into defense mode, his mind shut off to prevent more damage to it. 

The entire room had fallen silent. Crewmen and photographers watching as the second youngest lost it. The other members were dumbstruck by the sudden outburst. After all, this had never happened before. Jongin never lost his cool. 

“Jongin—” Sehun tried to cut in, but Jongin wasn’t quite finished yet. 

“Everything that you all have been doing for the past month is so stupid. Attempting to butter me up enough, just so I’ll let you invade my privacy. Well, you know what? That’s not what I fucking need. So if you actually want to help me, stop singling me out all the time! It just makes it worse! It’s a constant reminder that I’m broken, and screwed up, and that I don’t have control over anything anymore. My thoughts, my feelings, my actions…they aren’t my own.” He shook his head, hands clenched into trembling fists. “Everything is wrong because of that fucking pervert!” Jongin took in a deep breath as he finished getting everything out that he had bottled up for a little over a month now. But as he comprehended what he had just said he felt his spirit crumpling along with his body as he sunk to the ground. He stared down at the ground below him, tears from his built up anger frozen in his eyes. Everything was spinning, fear was clouding his mind. He really had lost control of everything. He couldn’t even keep his deepest, darkest secrets safe. 

If they weren’t shocked before, the Exo members definitely were now. Minseok’s previous anger and confusion had been replaced by fear and realization. He took a step forward and fell to his knees in front of Jongin. “Nini…” His voice was soft, and his hand moved with caution to Jongin’s shoulder. “Were you…raped?” The nod of confirmation that followed sent a wave of grief over the members.

Junmyeon shook the overwhelming amount of alarm crowding his mind as he realized all the other ears that had heard everything Jongin said. He quickly exchanged a look with their manager, Lee Seunghwan, and the room was soon cleared out, leaving only the Exo members. 

When Minseok said nothing else, Jongin took in a shaky breath, “I’m sorry, Hyung, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t strong enough to even defend myself, he was just so strong, and I wasn’t expecting what he did, I—”

Minseok shushed Jongin and pulled him into a hug, hand rested on the back of his junior’s head. “It’s okay, Jongin, it’s okay.”

Baekhyun was the next to join them on the ground, his arms wrapped protectively around Jongin. “We love you, Jongin. But, sweetie, don’t be sorry for something that none of us could’ve escaped.”

Soon all of them were hugging Jongin. And, even though he was completely surrounded by other people, Jongin didn’t feel so suffocated anymore. He was strangely at peace. He finally felt something different than hate and loneliness. It was like a weight had been lifted off his chest, and the acceptance from all of those around him made his inner shame dissipate. 

The hug was interrupted about three minutes later, when Seunghwan returned with a sour expression. While he was concerned for Jongin, he was more focused on keeping the news from getting outside the studio walls. “Guys, we need to talk…” He tried to filter the anxiety from his voice. 

The group hug broke up, and they were all soon seated on the floor staring up at Seunghwan. Minseok and Baekhyun remained beside Jongin, whose nerves were quickly returning. Had he really just told that many people he had been raped? 

Seunghwan started out slowly, “Jongin, did this happen the same night that your phone got stolen?”   
Jongin nodded silently in response to the question. 

Seunghwan sighed and knelt in front of the singer. “Jongin-ah, you understand that we need to know this kind of stuff when it happens, right?”  
Jongin nodded once again.

“Do you think you could maybe meet with me and Youngjun after we leave here? We need to report this as soon as possible.”  
Jongin looked up in shock. “N-No, we don’t need to file a report.”

Seunghwan smiled sympathetically, “We have to, Jongin. I know it’s not ideal for your comfort, but this guy needs to be caught before he can cause you all anymore harm. He has your schedule. That’s really serious.”

“We can go with you, if you’d like.” Baekhyun offered.

Jongin gulped, eyes now searching for a certain face. When they found it, he spoke up. “Sehun, can you come?”

Sehun, who had been taking everything in silently since Jongin’s outburst, looked up. “Of course.” He nodded, eyes filled with determination. Now that the secret was out, he was relieved, but also knew Jongin would need even more protection. The media could find out soon, and he would have to do everything in his power to shield Jongin from the hate that would surely follow. 

Seunghwan stood back up, dusting off his jeans. “Alright, let’s head on out then. The rest of you will remain here to finish your solo shots. I’ve already kindly reminded the camera crew of the oath of silence they had to sign in their contracts with us. So just act like nothing happened, if that’s possible.” He smiled shortly, then beckoned Junmyeon off to the side. The leader promptly followed. “Watch them. We can’t have any slip ups in this kind of situation. If any of them start acting weird, or any of the staff try to ask you questions, I want you to call me or Yongmin immediately.”

“Understood.” Junmyeon nodded firmly. “But, Hyung, please don’t pry too much with Jongin. He’s really messed up right now.”

Seunghwan didn’t give much of a response, just a slight frown and the faintest of nods. The two returned to the group and soon the youngest of Exo were headed to HQ with Seunghwan.

 

Jongin felt a little better with Sehun beside him, but the building in front of them was still extremely intimidating to him. He had never been more afraid to enter SM Town than he was in that moment. 

Sehun had quickly picked up on his friend’s anxiety. He reached over and slipped his hand into Jongin’s, squeezing it comfortingly. “Ready?”

Jongin met Sehun’s gaze with fear, “Can we just go back to the dorm?”

Sehun shook his head. “The faster you get it out of the way, the better.”

Jongin knew Sehun was right, but was still reluctant to enter the building. However, since Seunghwan had already started inside, they didn’t have much of an option to linger outside. Picking up whatever dignity he could scrape up, Jongin followed Sehun into the HQ.

They were soon in Youngjun’s office. Jongin was alarmed to find a police officer standing beside the manager. “Jongin-ah…” Youngjun started out. “This is Officer Choi Jaenum. I trust him a lot, and he’s a very experienced detective in the sexual assault and harassment branch of the police department. He’ll be listening to everything so he can file a report. Alright?”

Jongin gulped hard. No, it’s not alright. Was what he wanted to say, but instead he just took a deep breath and said, “Can I not say everything?”

Youngjun’s eyes filled with sympathy for the young man. He couldn’t begin to imagine what Jongin was experiencing emotionally, and he didn’t want to put him through reliving any memories of the assault. “We just need to know enough for the report. You don’t have to give extreme details.”

Jongin nodded and began, “I was headed home from practice…” He explained where he was, how he had tried to run from his attacker, and around what time it happened and how long it was. Sehun kept a hand on his knee throughout it all, trying to offer Jongin silent comfort.

Officer Choi clicked his pen to close it, as he had been writing the report based on everything the dancer had said. “Thank you for opening up to us, Mr. Kim. I promise that I will try my hardest to locate the man who assaulted you. For now, I would like it if you would take this.” He reached over and handed both Jongin and Sehun two small, black devices. “If you press the button in the center of the device, it will alert the department that you’re in trouble and we’ll be able to locate you and provide immediate aid.” Jaenum suddenly nodded towards Youngjun. “Mr. Tak has informed me of the accidental release of your schedules. And, since they can’t be moved because of how busy you all are,” He sent Youngjun a side glance as he said, “we are issuing the other members devices as well. That way we can avoid any more incidents like yours in the future.”

“Thank you, officer, we really appreciate all that your doing.” Sehun bowed with gratitude.

“Yes, thank you.” Jongin copied his friend’s gesture.

The officer nodded and put on his police hat. “Anything I can do to help your situation. We’ll let you know as soon as we learn anything else. Sadly, it’s too late to get any DNA off a medical examination, but I do still strongly suggest getting tested for any infections your perpetrator could have passed on to you.”

“I don’t feel sick, I think I’m okay…” Jongin protested.

“You won’t see immediate effects if you are given an STI. Getting tested is wise.” Officer Choi explained. “Also, do you still have the clothes you wore that night?”  
“I threw them away.” Jongin whispered, realizing how stupid that probably was of him. He didn’t have any physical evidence of what happened.

Officer Choi nodded. “That’s alright. Thank you, Mr. Kim. I’ll be in touch if you need me.” He bowed then exited.

Youngjun stood up, “I’ll see you all out. It’s been a long day. Jongin, we’ll pick you up at 7 in the morning for the medical examination. I agree with Officer Choi on this.”

“You can’t force me to go.” Jongin argued.

“No, but you’re going to regret not getting it done if you end up having to quit music in the future because of an untreated infection.” Youngjun’s words hit Jongin hard. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jongin didn’t say anything else, just followed Sehun and Seunghwan out. Dread for the next day hovered over him like a storm cloud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took so long to get this update posted! I hope you all enjoyed it! I'll try and have the next one up by Sunday or Monday. Thanks for reading, and feel free to leave any thoughts you have on the story under the comment section. 
> 
> Thanks lovelies,  
> KN


	6. Unnatural

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! Just wanted to thank you all for reading the story, and for your support. I'm sorry that I haven't updated in a while, but I am happy to announce that the next chapter will be up before the end of the week. For now, I hope you enjoy chapter six! Let me know what you think in the comment section!

Jongin felt beyond uncomfortable with his surroundings. The bright lights of the clinic were blinding, and it made him wonder how the medical staff managed to focus on their jobs in the ridiculous lighting and bland coloring. He let these petty thoughts fill his mind, as to avoid the ones he needed to be going over in that moment. 

Sadly, Sehun had been unable to attend the examination with him that morning, as he had to be on a radio show with Junmyeon and Baekhyun at 7:15. Much to his surprise, Yixing had volunteered to be his support system, and Jongin honestly couldn’t be happier. 

Although their relationship had dwindled since Yixing started boosting his solo career, as he wasn’t able to be in Korea as often as before, Jongin was still extremely close to his elder. He and Yixing used to practice together often, conversations going on in between their dancing. They had spent many a late night discussing their lives, families, feelings. Because of their history, Jongin felt comfortable with Sehun’s temporary replacement. 

 

Yixing felt awful after they all found out what had happened to Jongin. He couldn’t help but feel guilty for it. He and Jongin used to be practice buddies. Every time one of them wanted to go work on a dance, the other would follow. In Yixing’s mind, he was partially—if not wholly—responsible for Jongin’s rape. He should’ve been at the practice room that night with him. He shouldn’t have been in China. It was so selfish of him to only think of himself when Jongin was all alone in a completely different country. Yixing should’ve protected him. 

Sehun had told Yixing and the rest of the members all the details of the rape when he and Jongin returned from their meeting with Youngjun. Jongin had opted for the maknae explaining everything, as he was sick of talking about it. Instead, he had decided to turn in early so he could be rested for his appointment the next morning. 

It hurt Yixing so much to think of someone’s hands touching the angelic dancer’s innocent, beautiful body against his will. It was so wrong.

Yixing reached over and placed a hand on Jongin’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay. If you don’t want to talk at some parts. I can speak for you if any of the exam makes you uncomfortable.” 

Jongin looked over at his elder. The kind smile that greeted him sent a warm feeling through his body. “Thank you, Hyung. I really appreciate you coming to this. I know it’s probably awkward for you, since its about…that…but you honestly don’t even have to go in with me, if you would rather just wait in the lobby. I don’t want to put you through any more than I already have.” He bit his lip and looked down as Yixing’s expression changed into a frown, his eyebrows furrowed.

“What are you talking about? I wanted to come with you to this, and I intend to be alongside you through it no matter if it gets weird or not. Okay?” Yixing’s eyes were sharp as he expectantly awaited some sort of acknowledgement from Jongin.

The younger had no control over the small smile that appeared on his soft lips as he met Yixing’s worried eyes. Because, even though he wouldn’t admit it, Jongin truly despised the thought of going into that examination room alone. He gave the slightest of nods before his name was called by a nurse. At the sound of “Kim Jongin,” being yelled out, some heads lifted up and watched the idol go through the door. Thankfully, Youngjun had insisted upon them wearing masks and beanies to conceal their identities. It worked well enough that no one pulled out their phones to snap pictures of the two singers. Jongin was also grateful that Youngjun hadn’t insisted on going inside with them. Even though he knew their manager well, he wouldn’t consider them friends. Besides, he hardly felt comfortable sharing the rape with his closest friends, so it was no surprise that he didn’t want Youngjun at the clinic. 

The nurse smiled gently at him as he directed him inside and to a small, white—real shocker there—examination room. “Hello, Mr. Kim. I’m Kun, I’m going to ask you a few questions, if that’s alright?”  
Jongin nodded quietly as he sat on the medical bench. 

“We’ve been informed of your situation, but I need to know what time it was when the rape occurred and what the date was?” Kun asked, the kind smile on his lips never seeming to fade. Everything about this man was calming.

Jongin cleared his throat. “Um, it was the 28th of December. It think around 11:00 p.m.” He had started to absent mindedly fidget with his hands. Yixing observed all of his body language, wanting to make sure he didn’t miss any signs that he needed to take over for the nervous dancer.

“Alrighty…” Kun wrote something down on his clipboard. “And was that the last time you had intercourse with a man?”

“Of course.” Jongin’s eyes were filled with alarm at the question. “Why would I be having sex with a man outside of that?” His question didn’t sound defensive, just…unsure, lost.

Kun raised his eyebrows. “Sorry… Did you have any sexual partners before then?”

Jongin gulped hard and nervously answered, “No…it was my first time.” He glanced over at Yixing, suddenly hyper aware of the idol’s presence. 

Yixing wasn’t too surprised that Jongin had been a virgin, but…it was worse hearing it out loud than he realized it would be. His first time shouldn’t have been so disgusting, so terrible… When the younger’s anxious eyes searched his own, Yixing forced a gentle smile, his eyes softening. He mouthed, “You okay?”

Jongin nodded, and soon had his eyes fixed on the ground. 

“Alright, I’m going to have to ask Mr. Zhang to leave the examination room so that Dr. Choi can come and give you the examination and test you need.” Kun headed for the door and opened it, eyes set on the one he needed to leave. 

Jongin felt sweat form in a light layer over his entire body. He didn’t want Yixing to leave yet. He didn’t want to be alone with a stranger, and Yixing could easily see all of this fear bleeding through his eyes. He walked over to Jongin and took the dancer’s hand gently in his own. “I’ll be right outside if you need me, okay, Nini?”

His voice soothed some of Jongin’s anxiety away, but it wasn’t enough to leave him at peace with what was about to happen. “O-Okay.” He nodded, closing his eyes as Yixing squeezed his hand one last time and walked out. The absence of familiarity became overwhelmingly unbearable. He felt trapped in the small, painfully uncomfortable room. 

He was forced from his deafening thoughts when the door opened to reveal a tall, attractive doctor. “Hi, I’m Dr. Lee Taeyong.” He smiled brightly. 

Jongin’s eyes were wide. He didn’t want this to continue. He wanted to leave, no, he needed to leave. Nothing felt natural here. The staff seemed more like machines than men. And the building itself…this place…it encased him like a prison, and he had to get air. He needed air. 

Without a single word, Jongin suddenly dove off his chair and bolted out of the room. He ran past Yixing, past the nursing station, he accidentally ran into a poor intern who ended up with a stack of papers strewn on the ground, and he ran past the lobby into the open air. He no longer wore his mask or beanie, as they had been left in the examination room.

Dr. Lee quickly hurried into the hall and called after Jongin to no avail. He looked at Yixing. “I don’t know what happened. I barely even got a word out before he left.”

Yixing stared in shock as Jongin ran past him. He hardly heard a word the doctor said, to focused on what had just happened. His feet carried him faster than he had ever gone as he chased after Jongin. 

When Yixing broke into the chilly morning air, his eyes wildly searched the sidewalk for Jongin. That’s when he saw something much worse than he had been expecting. Jongin could barely be seen through the crowd of people that were swarmed around him. “Shit!” Yixing quickly pushed through the over-excited fans. Thankfully he had remembered to put back on his own disguise, so he could go unnoticed if he kept his head down. When he reached Jongin, he found the dancer on his knees, entire body trembling with fear, and his hands pressed tightly to his ears. 

“EVERYONE BACK AWAY!” He yelled with a commanding voice. No one listened, of course. 

Jongin looked up as he finally recognized a voice familiar to him among the sea of chatter that floated around his head. Yixing’s presence was the first thing to begin breaking the walls of anxiety his mind had managed to build in the last five minutes. 

Defeated, as the growing crowd continued to ignore him, Yixing reached down and helped Jongin to his feet. He wrapped his arms around the younger to protect him from the mob around them, but he was soon revealed as his beanie fell off. There was no way this could possibly get any worse.

Jongin hid his face in Yixing’s chest, relishing the safety he found there. It was different than with Sehun, but equally as comforting, and he didn’t want it to go away. 

Yixing groaned at the ridiculous amounts of flash in his eyes. This was their eternal fate. Not even something this personal could be kept private, no, the public had to know everything. It couldn’t stop at listening to EXO’s music, it had to extend to every portion of their lives. That moment seemed to change his feelings for their fans. Here he was trying to protect one of the people he cared about so much…and they couldn’t give two-shits. It was inhumane. 

Soon, Youngjun had been alerted by the medical staff of their situation, and security was sent to aid the two idols. By the time the area was cleared up, Yixing had sustained a few bruises and a small cut to his arm. Jongin had avoided most any injury, thanks to the safety Yixing had provided him. When they had gotten into the vehicle, Youngjun turned to look at them. “Are you okay?”

Yixing nodded, “I think so. I am, at least. Are you okay, Nini?” He asked as he reached over and took Jongin’s hand like he had in the examination room.

Jongin’s looked up at Yixing as he felt his large hand slip into his smaller one. “Huh?”

“Are you okay?” Yixing repeated the question, eyes narrowed with concern.

“Oh, yeah, I am…” Jongin nodded. 

“Okay, well, we’ll just have to reschedule the examination for next week. You have a lot on your schedule this week, so let’s just focus on that for now.” Youngjun sent Jongin a sympathetic smile.

“Thank you, Youngjun-ssi. I really appreciate your understanding.” Jongin’s words were quiet, but sincere. 

When Youngjun had returned to a conversation he was having with one of the security men, Jongin lowered his voice and began speaking to Yixing. “Thank you, Hyung. I don’t know what I was thinking back there…I just…”

“Needed to get out of that creepy clinic?” Yixinig finished his thoughts for him, a small smile tugging at his lips. He squeezed Jongin’s hand. “That’s what I’m here for, Jongin. Hyungs are meant to protect their dongsaengs. Besides, I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you. You’re a very important guy.”

Jongin tilted his head, a confused look in his eyes. “What do you mean?”

Yixing let out a small laugh, “Important, but very clueless.” He jokingly ruffled Jongin’s fluffy brown hair. “Don’t worry about it. You should try to rest when we get back to the dorm. Our next schedule isn’t until after lunch, so you’ll have plenty of time.”

Jongin nodded quietly, but didn’t say anything else. He was too busy trying to decipher Yixing’s cryptic words. How was he important?

When they arrived at the dorm, Jongin decided on the couch for his napping spot. Yixing headed for the kitchen, calling over to him, “Want a sandwich or some ramen? You really should eat.”

Jongin really didn’t want to eat. He had felt sick at his stomach every time he thought about food recently. He didn’t know if that was part of the rape’s effect on him or not, but eating was definitely something he wanted to avoid. “No, I’m good.”

“I’ll make you some anyway, just in case you change your mind.” Yixing decided, working on their food. He soon joined Jongin on the couch, setting the two bowls of ramen on the coffee table in front of them. He took a bite of his own, humming with satisfaction. “Mm, it’s really good. You should try a bite.” 

Jongin grimaced at the smell of the ramen, but he couldn’t hide the growl that erupted from his stomach. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had eaten an actual meal. Usually he only ate what Sehun managed to get him to, which was mostly granola bars or fruit. 

“Please?”

Knowing how upset his Hyung would be if he didn’t at least try to eat, Jongin sat up and picked up the chopsticks Yixing had set beside the bowl for him. He gathered a small amount of ramen and blew on it for a second before letting it enter his watering mouth. He couldn’t deny how good it tasted. Even though ramen was far from a delicacy, it was the best thing his body had been offered in a long time. 

Yixing grinned as he saw the look of ecstasy that washed over Jongin’s face. “Do you like it?”

Jongin nodded, suddenly overcome ravaging hunger. “A lot. Thank you, Hyung.” He said before continuing to devour the rest of his meal. He leaned back into the couch as he let the food settle into his stomach. Yixing finished his shortly after, and he copied the younger’s position as he rested back into the cushions. 

“You want to watch a movie or something?” Yixing asked as he reached for the remote. “We have a few hours before that interview, and a movie might help lull you to sleep.” 

Jongin shrugged, “I’m good with anything. I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep, tho—” He suddenly stopped short and jolted forward. His hand went over his mouth, eyes wide as he felt something coming up his throat. “Oh no…” He jumped off the couch and rushed to the bathroom. Yixing got up as well, watching as Jongin hurried down the hall. The sounds of puking that followed sent alarm through his body. He quickly joined Jongin in the bathroom and rubbed the trembling dancer’s back as he continued to throw up everything he had just eaten. 

Jongin’s eyes were watering, and his face was red by the time he was finished. He sat back against the bathroom wall and wiped his mouth off with his arm. He looked up at Yixing, “Um…Hyung, can I be alone for a minute?”  
Yixing frowned, “Jongin, you need to get in bed, you’re sick…”

“I just need a minute...” The firmness in Jongin’s voice made Yixing back down. The elder silently left the room, but didn’t close the door just in case Jongin needed him again. 

Jongin stared numbly at the toilet in front of him. The world spun around him, even when he closed his eyes he could still feel it moving. He rested his head back against the wall, and whispered to himself, “God, why is this happening? Why me?” 

He remained like this for a moment, sulking in the internal agony that overwhelmed his body. He wasn’t interrupted until his phone started buzzing. With heavy limbs, he reached into his pocket and pulled it out to see Sehun’s ID on it. He answered, wishing nothing more than for the maknae to be there with him. Sehun understood the most out of any of them. 

“Nini! How did the examination go?” Sehun sounded optimistic, but he was unable to conceal the nerves that laced his voice. 

Jongin felt guilty at what his answer had to be, but he wasn’t about to lie to Sehun after making him keep his secret from the others for so long. He owed him more than he could ever repay. “…You on your way home?” His voice was hoarse, his throat still not fully recovered from the minute-long hacking it had endured.

“We’re in a break right now. But we’ll be done with the show in half an hour.” Sehun’s voice had changed, filled with concern. “Talk then?”

Jongin hummed agreement, “Yeah.” When they had hung up, Jongin forced himself to his feet. Yixing seemed to catch onto this, as he stepped into the doorway. “I turned on a movie and set up some blankets on the couch.”

Jongin shook his head. “I think I’m just going to my room.” He mumbled, slipping past Yixing so he could head to his room. He didn’t want to be around people. He couldn’t handle seeing how much his problems were effecting his friends. He hated it. He hated seeing them use up energy that they needed to be saving. He had to think of a way to stop them. He felt even more sick as he realized how selfish it was of him to want Sehun there with him. The maknae needed to rest, not stress over him.

“Jongin…”

“Just stop, Yixing!” Jongin suddenly snapped, immediately silencing his hyung. He exhaled sharply. “Just…don’t worry about me, okay?” He turned his head to send the elder a forced smile. 

Yixing didn’t look pleased with Jongin’s request, but he knew better than to argue with him. He just nodded and watched as he disappeared down the hall and into his room. 

Inside the safe, dark walls of his room, Jongin allowed himself to relax enough to lie down and attempt sleep. He was exhausted and sick. Maybe a short nap would do him well. So, he closed his eyes and curled into a fetal position, allowing the sweet embrace of sleep to engulf him. 

As the real world faded from around him, Jongin felt himself starting to run. He was no longer in his bed, he was on the streets near their dorm. His mind raced as he looked around for a place to hide. He could hear footsteps behind him. 

He turned his head to see a faceless shadow tower over him. Hands extended from the figure towards him. He turned back around to run away, but he was too late. Arms wrapped tightly, too tightly, around his stomach and pulled him back into the large, strong body he was trying to escape. He started screaming, kicking, anything to get away. A voice suddenly came from the man, but it was different than the one he had feared for the past month. It shouted his name, Jongin, over and over again. 

Jongin seemed to be pulled from the nightmare, reality returning and relieving his senses. He recognized the voice, it was Sehun. The arms that had suffocated him moments prior now held him warmly. Everything was okay for a few seconds. But, all at once, everything within Jongin unhinged.

He suddenly couldn’t breathe. The emotions were so much, too much. He couldn’t control his tears as they robbed him of more of his breath. The memories hurt. He couldn’t hear Sehun’s voice anymore. He couldn’t see anything, his vision blurred as his mind drowned with anxiety. His hands scrambled to find Sehun’s arms, desperate to cling onto something that could ground him. His hands formed a grip so tight around Sehun’s forearm that it had to be painful. His heart sped up so fast, he was sure it was going to explode. He convulsed backwards into Sehun’s slender body. His entire body shook with each and every sob, muscles involuntarily tensing and untensing.  
In that moment, Jongin honestly believed that this must be what death felt like. This had to be the end.


	7. Physical or Psychological?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I hope you enjoy this update as much as I enjoyed writing it! Let me know your thoughts on all the crazy mcshizzle Exo is going through in the comments section. Also feel free to voice the things you would like to see happen in future chapters!  
> I'll try and have the next chapter up soon.  
> -KN

Throughout the entire interview, Sehun couldn’t stay focused on anything but Jongin. When it was finally over, he quickly grabbed Baekhyun and Junmyeon by their arms before they could walk off and talk to anyone. “Can we head home now?” Normally the two socialites would have put up more of an argument, but Sehun’s worried expression must have changed their minds, as they immediately agreed. 

“Alright, just let me tell Seunghwan-ssi what we’re doing.” Junmyeon said before he walked over to their manager and told him they were leaving early. Thankfully, Junmyeon had driven them all there separately, so they wouldn’t have to wait for their management crew to finish their work before leaving. 

Soon they were all back at the dorm, Sehun was the first out of the vehicle, and when Yixing opened the door, his worry for Jongin only increased. The second eldest of the group looked more than upset as he stepped aside to let the group of three enter. He locked the door behind them, and held his finger up to his lips for them to be quiet. “Jongin is asleep.” He whispered, as he walked into the kitchen to retrieve the warmed kettle he had prepared for tea.

“You look like someone hit you with a semi, Hyung. What happened?” Baekhyun cut right to the chase, not wanting to waste time beating around the bush. He stared expectantly at Yixing with his arms crossed. 

Yixing sighed as he turned off the stove. He leaned back against the counter and looked up at Baekhyun. “I don’t know… I’m not sure today could’ve gone any worse than it did.”

“What do you mean?” Sehun asked, eyebrows furrowed.

Yixing continued, “Jongin didn’t get the examination done. He ended up running out of the clinic, we practically got mobbed, and he threw up after eating some ramen when we got home. He’s been in his room ever since, but I checked on him a few minutes ago and he was asleep.”

“Why didn’t you call us? We could’ve left the interview early to come help.” Junmyeon’s tone was edgy, his eyes filled with frustration.

“He wanted to be alone, there was nothing anyone could’ve done.” Yixing explained, his voice thick with defeat. 

None of them noticed as Sehun headed down the hall. He needed to see for himself that Jongin was okay. He understood now why Jongin had evaded talking about the clinic over their phone call earlier. Sehun wished more than anything that he had been able to be there with him that morning. 

He pushed open the bedroom door and silently slipped inside, his eyes glued to the bed, where Jongin laid peacefully. He smiled to himself, happy that his best friend was finally calm, even if it was only when he was unconscious. He took light steps over to the bed, and took a seat on the edge of it. His hand went to Jongin’s hair, and he gently combed his fingers through it. “You’re such a mess, you know it?” He whispered, a small smile graced his lips and lit up his tired eyes. 

It was a moment of bliss. For once, everything was alright. Sehun wished that there would be no interruption of the serenity, but when Jongin began shifting in bed, his body tensing, he knew it was over.

“Nini…” He leaned back as Jongin started to mumble in his sleep. The noises quickly rose in volume, and were ones of fear and terror, which left Sehun alarmed and unsure of what to do. Then, all at once, memories started to flood his mind. The hug he and Jongin had shared the night the elder broke down and told him about the rape, then when he had placed his hand on Jongin’s in the noodle shop, and when Jongin buried his face into Sehun’s chest the night he accepted he had been raped… As odd as it was, Jongin seemed comforted by physical contact, at least with Sehun. Although it didn’t make much sense to the maknae, he decided to go for it. His arms were soon wrapped around his friend, but the hug seemed to have the opposite effect than what was intended. Jongin only became more panicked, thrashing in Sehun’s arms. 

“Jongin!” Sehun grunted, about to let go. “Jongin!” He tried to yell loud enough to pull the dancer from whatever nightmare he was experiencing. 

Before Sehun released his hold on Jongin, the elder was suddenly pulled from his sleep. Jongin was still for a moment, his body untensing as though he finally realized it was safe. But the stillness only lasted for a second before his body jerked back into Sehun’s. His chest moved up and down as though he had just run a mile, and his entire body trembled in fear. Jongin’s hands desperately searched for Sehun’s arms, and, once he located them, he clung on as tightly as he could. 

Sehun hardly noticed the pain the grip had caused him, too focused on trying to figure out what was happening to Jongin. “Nini, calm down…” He whispered in Jongin’s ear.

Sadly the words of comfort did little to help Jongin. He didn’t respond, and remained tensed up in Sehun’s arms. Tears fell uncontrollably from the dancer’s closed eyes, and his face was twisted in fear. 

“I’m here, Jongin. It’s Sehun. Everything’s going to be okay…” Sehun continued to speak into Jongin’s ear, hoping it would put him at ease.

The sound of footsteps thundering down the hall soon filled the air, and Yixing, Junmyeon, and Baekhyun were soon all in the doorway. “What’s going on?” Baekhyun asked, his voice thick with concern. 

Sehun nodded down at Jongin, unsure of what to say. He honestly didn’t know what was going on. His best guess was that Jongin was enduring some kind of really extreme anxiety attack. All of them had dealt with anxiety throughout their careers, but…Sehun had never seen one this bad before.

“Just give me a few minutes with him. I think it’s just an attack. It’ll be okay.” He spoke quickly, as he noticed Yixing was about to walk inside the room. “He’s really confused and afraid right now.”

Yixing seemed upset about this, but none of the three argued. Instead, they shut the door and waited in the hall. 

Sehun and Jongin remained in the same position for the next ten minutes. Jongin did not say a single word the entire time, but his sobs and trembling body spoke for him. Finally, Jongin leaned his head back against Sehun’s chest and looked up at him. “S-Sehun?” His eyes were flooded with relief, as though he were just able to fully acknowledge Sehun’s presence in his room.

“Yeah, Nini?” Sehun smiled ever so slightly, eyes dancing as he realized Jongin was finally calm again. 

“That was awful…” Jongin breathed out, his entire body loosening up as exhaustion hit him hard. “I couldn’t even think.” His voice sounded fearful, detached.

“It’s okay. It’s over now, and you’re safe with me.” Sehun whispered softly, as he played with his friend’s sweaty hair. “Just try to rest, okay?”

Jongin shook his head. As much as he wanted to give into sleep, he couldn’t let himself. Not after what had just happened. 

Sehun frowned, “What do you mean ‘no’? You’re exhausted.”

“I can’t. The nightmare I had is what caused this, so if I go back to sleep the cycle will just keep repeating itself. I can’t go through that again.”

Sehun couldn’t argue with Jongin’s logic. He didn’t know what had just occurred in his mind, or what the nightmare was about, but it had to have been traumatizing. “I’m here now. Maybe that’ll help chase it away.”

Jongin hummed tiredly. Much against his wishes, his body had begun shutting down. He was just so sleepy… He buried his face deeper into Sehun’s chest, engulfed in his warmth. He felt safe again. His eyes soon closed, and he found himself uncontrollably drifting away.

Sehun smiled down at Jongin as he fell asleep. The waves of anxiety the dancer had emitted only moments before seemed to be replaced by the warmest of feelings. It was enough to make Sehun drowsy. The maknae checked his phone for the time, happy to find that they would get a decent nap in before their next schedule. He set an alarm and rested his head back against the head board, allowing sleep to engulf him as well.

Just outside the door, Junmyeon, Baekhyun, and Yixing all restlessly awaited any news from Sehun on how Jongin was. After about fifteen minutes, Yixing had waited long enough. “We need to check on them. Jongin could need a doctor.” He spoke with a hushed, worried tone.

Junmyeon sighed and nodded agreement. “You’re right…” He pushed himself up from where he had been seated on the hallway floor. “I’ll look in on them…” He soundlessly opened Jongin’s bedroom door and peaked in, unable to stop the soft smile that spread across his lips. Jongin and Sehun were both fast asleep, tangled up together on the bed. 

Junmyeon stepped back and closed the door back. He turned to Baekhyun and Yixing. “They’re asleep.” He said, still grinning. 

Baekhyun yawned. “Smarties. I might take up their idea.”

Yixing shook his head. “I still don’t like this, Junmyeon. Jongin needs to be looked at by a doctor. There could be something wrong with him. He threw up his food as soon as he ate it earlier, and now he’s…”

Junmyeon interrupted him. “He needs to see a psychologist, Yixing. Not a medical doctor. I was googling some different mental and medical issues that can occur after rape the other night. I know it’s probably crazy to go ahead and jump to this, but Jongin’s symptoms are really lining up with PTSD. I think we need to talk to him about seeing a therapist before he gets even worse.”

Baekhyun gave him an unsure look. “A therapist would be ideal, but do you think he’s going to agree to that? Jongin might be in a vulnerable state, but he has too much pride to think he needs to see a shrink. And we can’t force him to do anything against his will.”

Junmyeon pondered Baekhyun’s words for a moment. “You’re right. But we have to talk to him about it. Maybe Sehun could help us come up with a game plan.”

“Good idea. The only problem is, he and Jongin have been inseparable these past few weeks. He’s not going to like leaving Nini alone for even a few minutes.” Baekhyun reminded him. 

Yixing rolled his eyes. “There are nine of us, Baek. Surely Jongin would be fine with someone else staying with him. He spent the entire morning without Sehun today. I was there for him just as much.”

Baekhyun raised his eyebrows at how hostile Yixing’s words sounded and, of course, had to return it. “…Okay, but my vote definitely isn’t on you, Hyung.” He didn’t bother concealing the sassy look that came along with that remark. 

Junmyeon didn’t seem to notice the aggression between Baekhyun and Yixing as he spoke, “Maybe Kyungsoo could take him out for a bit? They haven’t hung out in a while.”

Yixing crossed his arms and let out an annoyed sigh, “Really, Baek? I had no control over his anxiety.”

“Jongin stays calmer around people he feels the most comfortable with, dipshit. He wouldn’t have freaked out so much with Sehun there, and you know it.” Baekhyun spoke harshly, eyes set on Yixing with a sharp glare.

“Oh really? Then explain why he only started to freak out at the clinic when I left the room.” Yixing challenged as he took a step closer to Baekhyun.

Baekhyun lifted his chin up, about to throw hands. However, Junmyeon stepped between them before anything could break out. He gave both of them disappointed looks, “Really, you two?”

“Sorry.” Yixing muttered this, but kept his eyes glued on Baekhyun.

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, “Real mature of you to apologize so sincerely, Hyung.” He sent the elder the fakest grin he could muster before he looked at Junmyeon. “I’ll call Kyungsoo and ask him about taking Nini out.”

As soon as Baekhyun walked away, Junmyeon turned to Yixing. “What’s up with your attitude?” He asked, not bothering to hold back any bluntness. 

 

Yixing scoffed. “Are you really going to call me out and not the one who just disrespected his elder?”

 

“Don’t make this about Baekhyun. You’re acting jealous of Sehun for being with Jongin. What’s up with that?” Junmyeon demanded.

 

“It’s nothing. I just…” Yixing exhaled sharply. “I should be in his position. I should’ve been the one there for Jongin.”

“You’re making no sense, Yixing.” Junmyeon was becoming exasperated, a confused expression on his face.

“I was in China when all this shit happened, Junmyeon!” Yixing exclaimed in a whispered-yell, reaching the end point of his nerves. “I would’ve been at practice with him that night, if I hadn’t been promoting my solo career!”  
Junmyeon stared at Yixing with wide eyes. It all finally made sense. “Yixing…” He placed a hand on his shoulder. “You can’t blame what happened to Jongin on yourself. It was out of anyone’s control. There was no way for you to have known this would happen.”

Yixing shrugged off Junmyeon’s hand. “Yeah…I’ll be in my room.” He turned and walked off down the hall.

Junmyeon watched him go, a sad look in his eyes. Though Baekhyun’s bright, loud voice soon pulled him out of his daze. “Soo said yes! He’s going to ask Jongin out for coffee and a movie this evening. That way we’ll have a few hours to talk to Sehunnie.”

Junmyeon was amazed at how quickly Baekhyun could go from one mood to another, but he managed to smile along with the singer. “Great.”

\------

Later that evening, Kyungsoo was seated in the living room waiting for Jongin to get out of the bathroom. The sound of puking seemed to echo through the house.

“There goes the entirety of lunch…” Chanyeol sighed sadly from where he sat beside Kyungsoo. “Poor Nini hasn’t been able to keep anything down lately.”

“Yixing Hyung said he puked this morning too.” Kyungsoo sighed as he glanced nervously at the bathroom door. “Should I not take him for coffee? I don’t want him to be uncomfortable and having to puke during the movie. It would ruin the experience for him.”

“I don’t know, Soo. He seemed really excited about getting his specialty coffee.” Chanyeol offered a smile. “I wouldn’t dwell on it too much.”

Kyungsoo nodded, “…Okay.”

The bathroom door soon opened to reveal a smiling, gaunt looking Jongin. He was doing his best to act like he hadn’t just upchucked his guts, but it wasn’t going too well for him. “I’m ready to go.” He announced, as he headed for the door.

Kyungsoo hopped off the couch and hurried over to help Jongin with his coat. When they had gotten in the car, Kyungsoo looked over at him. “Hey…I know this is probably a stupid question, but are you okay? I mean, I know overall you’re not really, but like as far as medical mumbo jumbo goes…”

Jongin awkwardly looked down. “You heard me throwing up.”

“Yeah…we have pretty thin walls.” Kyungsoo offered a small smile and started the engine. “Anyway, you don’t have to answer the question. I just wanted you to know that I care a lot about how you’re feeling, and if you ever want to talk about it, feel free.”

Jongin felt a smile crack through his concrete frown. He glanced over at Kyungsoo and nodded. “Thanks, Soo.”

Kyungsoo’s grin grew, “Anytime, Nini.”

And with that, they were off for coffee.

Inside the dorm, a group meeting was being organized. Five of the Exo members waited in the living room while their leader went to retrieve the maknae. Junmyeon knocked on Sehun’s door. When it had been opened, he didn’t bother with any formalities, instead he simply grabbed Sehun by the arm and dragged him into the living room.

“Yah! What’s all this about?” Sehun protested, visibly confused as he saw everyone gathered in the room.

“We’re having an important discussion.” Jongdae informed him.

“About what? Why do I have to be here for it?” Sehun crossed his arms. Generally speaking, “important discussions” turned out to be someone calling another member out for not doing their chores properly.

“About Jongin. We have something we want you to talk to him about.” Baekhyun explained.

“Can’t you guys talk to Jongin about it yourselves? I don’t like sneaking behind his back like this.” Sehun rubbed his arm and looked down, his discomfort louder than his words.

Chanyeol sighed, “Sehun, you know we would love to do that, but you’re the one Nini has trusted most since the rape. He’ll listen to you. With us he’ll just say he’s fine and brush our suggestions under the rug.”

Sehun couldn’t argue with that logic. Jongin really had an awful tendency to overlook and downplay things he shouldn’t. “He does that with me too. But…let me hear your idea.”

The other members grinned and looked relieved that Sehun had given in, even if it was only by a little bit.

“We think he should see a therapist.” Junmyeon got straight to the point, not wanting to waste the time they had before Jongin and Kyungsoo returned. He sighed when Sehun tensed, “You of all people should understand why he needs one, Sehun. He’s a complete mess right now. Acknowledging that he was raped is only the first step out of many he’s going to have to take. The sooner he takes the second one, the easier it will be to take the third, and so on so forth.”

Sehun sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “I know that, Hyung. But you’re not the one who sits up with him almost every night.” He turned to Junmyeon. “He does need therapy, I know it would help him a lot. Right now, though, he’s still struggling to get out the word ‘rape’ without wanting to fall off the face of the earth. If I mention a therapist, he’s going to think he’s going crazy, and that the rest of us are noticing, in turn making him feel weaker than he already does. Jongin is rightfully insecure right now.”

“So, what?”

Sehun looked at Minseok as soon as the words left his mouth. “With all due respect, Hyung, did you hear nothing I just said?”

“No, I heard just fine.” Minseok looked up at him from where he sat on the couch. “But listen to me now. Some parts of this process are going to hurt Nini. It’s our job as his friends-his family-to make sure that what’s best for him is done. In this moment, therapy is what’s best for him. Yes, he is going to be really self-conscious about it at first. But he needs to learn how to work through that.” He stood up, walked over to Sehun, and rested his hand on the youngest’s shoulder. “Sehun-ah, as much as I appreciate you working your ass off to be there for Nini, you can’t let it all rest on your shoulders. Especially when it’s all new to you as well. If you really love him, you will encourage him to seek help. Professional help.”

Sehun looked at Minseok, his eyes expressing that he was struggling with accepting this truth. Finally, he whispered, “Okay. I’ll talk to him about it in the morning.”

\------

Jongin and Kyungsoo had so far discussed their schedules, what movie they were going to watch at the theater, and the weather. When that last, oh-so-intriguing topic died down, however, they were left in awkward silence.

Jongin glanced up at Kyungsoo and gulped hard. He looked like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t bring himself to spit it out.

Kyungsoo met his gaze with one of curious concern, “Nini, is there something on your mind?”

Jongin nodded as his eyes drifted back down to his half-empty mug of coffee. “Well, I-“

“Oh my god!”

Jongin and Kyungsoo looked up as two teenaged girls and one guy ran over to them.

“Are you Kai and D.O Oppas??” The girls were the ones to speak, the boy visibly more nervous than them.

Kyungsoo shook away his confusion with Jongin’s words, and smiled. “That would be us.”

Jongin locked up at first, but relaxed as he saw how calm Kyungsoo was.

“Could we have a picture?” One of the girls asked. Her hair was an electric blue, and her colored contacts matched it.

“Sure.” Jongin managed a smile. He loved the Exo-L, especially when they were so polite and sweet like these teenagers were. Both he and Kyungsoo stood up. Since Jongin was the tallest, he took the selfie to get all of them in it, and handed the phone back to the blue-haired girl after they were finished.

“Thank you, Oppas! Have a good day!” The other girl, who had black hair and chocolate-brown eyes exclaimed, as she and the others bowed in gratitude.

“Thank you, you do the same.” Kyungsoo spoke, he and Jongin bowing some in return.

As the girls went to order their drinks, however, the guy with them stayed behind. “Hi…” He looked nervously from Kyungsoo to Jongin, his eyes glued to the dancer. “I just wanted to say that I really look up to you. Watching you helped me discover my passion for dance.” Every word was shaky and filled with awe.

Jongin’s eyes widened and he felt himself uncontrollably tearing up. How could this kid find him so inspiring? It felt like a far off understanding. One that he used to have the confidence to acknowledge, but now…if this guy knew what Jongin had let happen to himself…would he look at him the same way?

A nudge and look from Kyungsoo brought Jongin back to reality. He smiled at the teenager, a deeper appreciation for how amazing their fans really were sinking into his bones. All of these individuals who took the time to listen to what Exo had to say, and support their hard work, were what allowed him to be where he was today. The rape aside, his life was more than he could’ve dreamed for when he was younger. “You’re welcome…and, um, I’d like to thank you too. For supporting us. It really means so much.”

The boy grinned so widely he looked like he might burst. “You’re welcome too, then.”

“Jaegun, come over here!” The black-haired girl beckoned for the boy.

“Whelp, I got to go. But it was great meeting you two. I have a YouTube channel under my name, Choi Jaegun. If you could watch some of my dances that’d be amazing!” He flashed them both excited, grateful smiles before he dashed off to where his friends were.

Jongin watched him go, amazed at the energy Jaegun had displayed. “That was fun.” He smiled some.

Kyungsoo smiled, “He was really nice.” He looked down at his watch, “We should probably head on out, the movie starts in fifteen minutes.”

Jongin nodded, “Yeah, let’s go.”

As they headed outside, Kyungsoo looked over at Jongin. “Hey, so what were you about to say back there?” He asked.

“Huh?” Jongin raised his eyebrows as he remembered their exchange before the Exo-L had greeted them. “Oh! Ha…that’s not important.”

“So? We talk about unimportant stuff all the time. Hell, yesterday Chanyeol literally managed to talk about the cow digestion process for almost twenty minutes.” Kyungsoo remarked. Jongin couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped his lips, and Kyungsoo smiled as he heard it. “God, I haven’t heard that sound in so long. You should laugh more, it really suits you.”

Jongin smiled, his cheeks flushed. “Thanks, Hyung…” He looked down and his smile faded, however, as he continued by answering Kyungsoo’s previous question. “Soo, I was going to say that I don’t know what’s going on. With all the ‘medical mumbo jumbo’.” He stopped walking.

Kyungsoo stopped as well, “Do you want to know?”

Jongin sighed. “Not really.”

Kyungsoo smiled sympathetically, “It would be worth finding out, Nini. Besides, maybe it’s more psychological than physical.”

“Huh?” Jongin looked confused at this prospect. “How could me throwing up be psychological, Hyung?”

“Remember when I was working on Annoying Brother back in 2016, and how stressed out and anxious I was during it?”

“Of course. That was really bad.” Jongin nodded, eyes wide as he recalled how chaotic that time was for Kyungsoo.

“When it was happening, I got so far on edge that I would throw up. I know the situations are different, but I think your mind is in so much distress from what happened, that it’s effecting your body too now.” Kyungsoo explained.  
Jongin bit his lip, “Soo, I don’t have to go back to another clinic for it, do I? I don’t think I could handle that.”

“No, not a clinic. I think you would do better seeing a psychologist first.” Kyungsoo suggested this with a comforting smile. “They’re really not that bad. I’ve been to therapy a couple of times myself.”

Jongin had spaced out at the initial mention of a psychologist, but when he heard those last words, his eyes snapped to Kyungsoo. “You have??”

“Yep. Most of the time it’s a comfy room with a couch and a nice person asking you different questions. Talking is stressful at first, but once you go a couple of times it gets easier to just express the shit you’re dealing with. Would you want me to set you up an appointment?” Kyungsoo was going out on a limb with that question. He knew the original plan was to have Sehun talk to Jongin about everything, but the timing just seemed so right.

Jongin didn’t respond for a minute, as he thought over everything Kyungsoo had said. Finally, he looked up and smiled weakly. “If you could do it, then I guess I could give it a go.”

Kyungsoo felt a wave of relief wash over him. He grinned, “Sounds good to me.” He nodded over to the car, “Come on, let’s go catch that movie.”


End file.
